Wednesday, June 20, 2012

I have had an easy life. My parents, other family and friends have supported me through any hardships I brought upon myself or was unlucky enough to fall into. A couple big ones here and there, but there really have not been that many. I would like to think that some of that is due to myself, living life so that I don't get into those bad situations, make my own luck by making the right decisions on a large and small scale. The point is though, I have never really experienced things like being in crazy debt, living in a broken home, abuse, neglect, destitution, really, of any sort. I would be able to handle these situations, no problem. That is what I tell myself. I am smart, capable, and experienced, I do well for myself now and I think most people who know me would think that were things to go downhill I would continue to persevere and succeed. But do they really know? Do I? No.

For the first time in my adult life someone who I loved died. Sure I have experienced death in the past, like my grandparents dieing when I was in middle school, but I had no expectations of myself then. I was still encountering new situations all the time and learning how I reacted to them. Death is an inevitability. It is an absolute fact that everyone will die eventually, 100% sure I know that is going to happen. That makes me feel like I should be able to accept it and prepare myself for what it will be like when someone dies, that I had done that. But I surprised myself. I wasnt prepared to accept that I would never see her again. It wasnt an open, nostalgic, think of all the good times, why did it have to happen now, what could have been different, I think that is what I had prepared myself for. The absoluteness of it is what strikes me, the never, and so sudden. People talk about the death of grandparents or someone who is sick sometimes like, they had been sick, it was only a matter of time, it was their time. Like that makes it easier to accept. And sure, it is harder to accept the death of someone who is young and fit than someone who has lived a full life and been in a hospital for months or something like that, but it is an infinitely large step, from life to death, no matter who has taken that step.

I hear about people going to war and coming back a changed person, affected by the things that they saw, not being able to return to regular civilian life, suffering from PTSD. I like to think I could overcome that mental barrage and I would come back fine. People growing up surrounded by violence and hatred. I like to think I would have come out just as cheery and well rounded as I am. But I don't know, how can I? I can only respect those that have overcome such hardships and hope that I continue to live my cushy life and that I can persevere like I think I can when it comes down to it. It is not often that I surprise myself, but it is also rare that I have the opportunity to learn something new about myself. If you take what you can out of every situation you are put into, that is all you can do to be the best you can be, right? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. What a stupid saying...